I thought I was going to write this blog and be done with it but you know what?! I totally screwed off today! I didn't write a thing. Barely checked my email and just planted my ass in front of the TV and vegged out!
BUT I did want to post something to my blog today because hell it would suck to totally flub a schedual and then not post anything! So I dug around and found my WalMart rant! It's a few years old but folks seemed to have fun with it so I thought that I'd share!!!
My little rant/story begins with a run in with my 18 year
old in the doorway of my kitchen BEFORE my first cup of coffee. Where I was
randomly assaulted by his teenage angst over finding the perfect Christmas
present for girlfriend (of the week), while trying to side step the kid because
coffee was calling my name. My ears were then exposed to his less then generous
take on the commercialism of the holiday. Did I mention that there was coffee?
My perfect coffee maker that automatically spits out mana from the gods at my
preordained time and it was DONE….He continued with the exaggerated disgust at
the prices that he’ll be forced to pay! IE: I’ll be forced to pay! To which I
could only blink bleary eyes at him and respond with…
So does this mean that I can take YOUR stuff back? You
know… So that I am not feeding into the capitalistic, commercialized horror
that IS freaking Christmas and there for NOT adding insult to your delicate
sensibilities… Never mind that the season is supposed to be a representation of
good will and generosity to our family and friends.
To which he replied… Just kidding Mom… Later I hear him
telling his brother that Mom’s grouchy…
Did I mention that this was all before coffee?
Once coffee was properly worshipped, appreciated, and
drank by the gallons I had gotten a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach…
This meant a trip to the stores…God help me!
WalMart the great American institute of low prices and
great deals… Or are they? Personally I have come to the conclusion that they
are the tools of the devil, ESPECIALLY Super Wal-Marts. We really need to send
Sam and Dean in to find out!!!
Let me begin with the parking lot Vultures… In reality
they are equivalent to Cerberus (the monstrous three headed dog that guards the
gates of Hades, for all you non-readers of Greek mythology)… These are the
demented (usually silver haired) fools that will spend HOURS cruising the
parking lot of the local WalMart waiting
to get a parking spot as close as they can get to the door. Personally I live
to torment them and this is how…
I am good to the parking lot fairies, angels whatever you
want to call them. Yep you heard me… I ask for a good spot and I get a good
spot. It just goes to show how a simple please and thank you can go a long way!
Anyway I will wait until a vulture sees me. You can almost smell their
excitement but I will sit with my foot resting on my brake pedal (This draws
them faster than throwing chum in shark infested waters). By now I have cleaned
out my purse, listened to a few songs… You know screwed off until I see them in
the rear view mirror. They’re bang their hands on the steering wheels;
occasionally make obscene gestures (my personal favorite), and when they are
totally red in the face. I shut the car off and head inside… I know evil right?
When you find yourself finally entering the halls of
Hades **cough, cough ** I meant Wal-Mart. The door greeter usually descends to
assault you… I am not sure what kind of hiring process goes on to boast having
the exalted job of WalMart door greeter nor am I exactly sure how this might be
of future aid on a resume but they seem to find the crankiest, meanest, person
who possesses the vocal capabilities of shattering glass with their high
pitched nasally voice to tell you “Welcome to Wal-Mart”. Like they really mean
it…
Do not be daunted my dear friends because I know who
these harpies are… In reality they are Odin’s ravens Lugin and Munin from the
Tree of Life! If you slow down, stop, or pause in the doorway they will descend
upon you and pluck your eyes from your heads!!! God forbid you have a return…
(Insert shudder)
Now that you have navigated the dangers of parking lot
vultures and door manning harpies, you should be able to enjoy the shopping
experience right? NO!!!! I have not even begun to cover the events of which
could occur amongst the seemingly innocent isles!!!
The other day I dashed into WalMart intent on picking up
one or two items. This is how the evil begins! It is virtually IMPOSSIABLE to
just grab one or two items and make a clean and expedient escape.
I am also convinced they hired morons to randomly wander
the isles of the stores. Do not let these morons fool you! They are cunning I
tell you!!! Cunning!!! Their sole purpose is to stop in the middle of the isle
thus forcing the people behind them to come to a sudden halt! They then have
the nerve to fuss at a child, examine an object on a shelf, or worse run into
someone they know, the whole while they leaving their cart to block the
walkway. Now these MORONS do serve a purpose other than to throw up a sudden
roadblock or is that an isle block. Anyway, they cunningly divert you from your
chosen path and force you to take side isles.
While this may seem innocent enough you may suddenly find
yourself contemplating the merits of a toilet bowl plunger with the handy dandy
acrylic handle for the super low price of $15.95. Who the heck needs an acrylic
toilet bowl plunger?! ANYWAY, like I said MORONS.
While on the subject of morons, just whose bright idea is
it to let a child push a cart? I know you’ve seen these hell possessed little
monsters… They’re the ones that can barely see through the spokes of the
shopping carts. The shopping carts that always inevitably find its way to the
back of my ankle with enough force that I am hobbling. So as par my luck I am
lame, muttering under my breath about the benefits of boarding schools, when
who do I run into? A really, really cute guy.
A really cute guy who is staring at you like you have
grown a third head because you are hunched over your shopping cart, limping,
glaring at a chubby face angel/ Satan’s spawn, and hoping that the tooth fairy
dies before this kid gets a penny from her. Just what is wrong with a regular
wooden toilet bowl plunger anyway?
So heed my warnings kiddies, Wal-Marts and more
specifically Super Wal-Marts are the tools of the devil. Take a look at the
smiley SOB… He even looks maniacal! Shop if you must but do it swiftly!!!
Take the time to annoy the parking lot vultures if
nothing else for a little self-entertainment…
Go in armed with rock salt and holy water. Let’s not
forget the blessings of your local priest, pastor, rabbi, or whatever holy
person that you need for prayers.
Beware of the MORONS!!! They are out to get you!
Dodge little kids pushing shopping carts but keep a
weathered eye out for the parents that snap and beat their children in public
places… That’s always amusing…They are usually found around or near either the
cereal aisle or the toy section.
Oh on a side note one more little thing I have to share…
I have a friend named… Well let’s just call her Sophia… She works as a cashier
at my local Satan’s playground. She’s a beautiful young black girl, great skin,
lovely dark eyes, and just as sweet as peach cobbler. She informed me the other
night that there had been a male customer in his mid to late 30’s bugging her
in a not so subtle or nice way to go out with him. So I asked her if she
trusted me. She immediately gave me a skeptical and slightly nervous look.
“Well,” she says. “I can’t afford to lose my job.”
“No worries. Just follow along and trust me. When I’m
done he’ll never bug you again!”
Again with the skeptical and nervous look. I am still
trying to figure that one out!
Anyway Romeo unfailing gets in her line and out of
politeness I move to the side and size this joker up. I continue our
conversation, which was how her mother was doing. Did her brother go off to
college you know the usual. I then asked her if she’d been to the doctors.
Sophia froze in mid scan and stared at me. By now I have also gotten the
attention of the would be Romeo.
“You know about the rash?” I continued.
“Um yeah,” she stutters out.
“That’s great,” I grinned. “You can’t be too careful with
things like that. Especially if you pass it along.”
ROMEO never said one word to her but he did snatch up his
bag and bolted towards the doors as if the hounds of Hades were after him.
Sophia and I glanced at each other and just died laughing. It took ten minutes
before I could see past the tears that were rolling down my face. I saw her
this morning and she tells me that she has seen Romeo since but that he doesn’t
come anywhere NEAR her. However the girl at the jewelry counter has to deal
with him.
So…
Thank you for shopping at WalMart and have a nice day!
